“In social reality today, men are not dominant in the marriage relationship. The rationale of historic rule is no longer valid,” he said. “But people are not willing to accept this. This is a major source of tensions.” – Abdullahi Ahmed An-Na’im, Source
Sometimes, when I’m with my almost-five-year-old niece Tumti, I pretend to be a character I came up with named Chacha Monster (literally: [Paternal] Uncle Monster). I’ll stomp around the house dramatically chasing after her, roaring, “Chacha monster is going to getchuuuuuuu!” as she screams/laughs and runs all over the place.
And sometimes, I want to do the same thing when I’m with a group of adult Muslims or at a Muslim convention. You do not know how badly I want to stomp around a convention center during the Islamic Society of North America’s national convention (40,000 people in attendance) calling myself the MUSLIM MARRIAGE MONSTER and rawring like a T-Rex.
Can you imagine? Oops, too late! The Muslim Marriage Monster was caught on youtube the other day
(Quick thank you to Anjali of Baltimore, MD for playing along)
Right after I started writing this, I was made aware of my good friend Dr. Shabana Mir’s piece, “It’s Not Raining Eligible Muslim Men in which she describes what I have labeled the Muslim Marriage Monster. And you thought I was kidding? This ain’t no Big Foot, we have solid evidence of this Monster. I may have video, but Dr. Mir has some cold hard facts:
In New York, Daisy Khan arranged a Valentine’s Day event for Muslim singles. Fifteen men and sixty-three women showed up. The “surplus” of women is indeed an issue. Many Muslim women would say, sarcastically, that the surplus is more specific—of smart, mature, beautiful, professional women.
As many of you know, almost all of my Muslim friends are women. Ninety-nine percent of them are single and actively looking or have given up on trying to find a spouse. They have found that the pool of eligible Muslim guys has dwindled. In fact, I would not be surprised if some of those fifteen men who showed up to Daisy Khan’s event were of the variety that my female friends have described to me in the last week.
“It was like talking to a brick wall,” I heard just yesterday.
My friend Tahira had a more dramatic meet up about a week ago with a Muslim guy who picked her up while drunk, making obnoxious and lewd gestures throughout the evening.
Afaf knows what I’m talking about, she’s the topic of this article in Southern California’s InFocus:
“I tend to meet two types [of men],” says Maryam*, 28, who has also been searching for a mate since college. “The first is the practicing Muslim brother who has his act together, but unfortunately has some really incompatible ideas about women and gender roles. The second type I meet is progressive and open-minded and is truly looking for a partner in life, but is not a practicing Muslim.”
So, what’s the problem? Why is this happening? And what is happening more often?
While Mir is not the biggest fan of women marrying outside the faith, she does see it happening more often. She continues by suggesting that the lack of eligible Muslim men, the Muslim institutions with their segregated spaces, among other things, will lead to a shift in how some young Muslims navigate this situation.
Inevitably, single status will also change some Muslim women’s approaches toward chastity and sexuality. Boys have always been boys, but American Muslim women have been relatively sexually chaste, if anecdotal evidence and observation is to count. Recently I have heard of a Muslim group I will not name that has permitted single women to sleep with men (under the category of dire sexual need).
Notions of religiosity, chastity, and identity in the Muslim community will change under pressure of these circumstances. Notions of difference–for instance “Muslims do not date like regular Americans”–and notions of self and other will also change.
I just had to quote that whole ending. It was just too good.
In light of all of this, I’ve invited some of my female friends to guest post about their experiences and/or thoughts on the issues related to finding a spouse. In the coming days, you’ll see what they had to say. Men are also welcome to contribute, though I’m the only one who has volunteered so far.
UPDATE: Shabana Mir has now posted the full version of the article I discussed earlier. It is well worth the read. She even unveils the big elephant in the room that no one wants to discuss. S.e.x.
